Starbucks is Not a Bank

There’s quite a few things Starbucks is not. We’re not a daycare. We’re not an office. We’re certainly not a fucking McDonalds (still unclear as to what a frappe is). But most of all, we are not a bank.

When I worked in LA, I worked at a cafe only store in the modern day suburbia. Surrounded by some really cute shops and juice bars, Starbucks was really the only “big name” store within a five mile radius.

Because Starbucks has the reputation about it (“big company”) the stores around us were constantly sending employees wearing really gross visors and buttons and bright polos over to our store to give them change.

“Hey, I work at that smoothie shop on the corner and we’re low on $5s. Can you spare about $200 worth?”
“Hey, can you guys trade out some quarters?”

WTF?

I haven’t experienced this as much in New York, but I guess that’s because there’s a bank every few blocks. But have any of my readers experienced this? What do you do? I haven’t been formally trained in cash management (as I stated, I never had any desire to advance in Starbucks past the barista level. It’s only a matter of time before Mila Kunis falls down a flight of stairs and I have to take her place in the world. Can’t get too invested), but I’m pretty sure this is a no-no somewhere in the thousands of pages Starbucks has written on cash handling over the years.

But of course, it’s not just other companies that seem to confuse Starbucks for Chase Bank. It’s customers.

How often do you have people coming up to your register or through your drive through with $100 bills expecting to pay for a tall coffee? Every. Fucking. Day.

One of my greatest memories of working at Starbucks was one of my first shift leads, Emerson. He was a no nonsense type of lead and I miss him dearly. Him and his wife left the States a few years ago on a spiritual quest through the mountains of Bhutan. Haven’t heard from him since. Nameste, Emerson if you’ve found access to the Internet wherever you are. Anyway. Someone came up to R1 pretty early in the morning. Around 8 I would say, and attempted to pay for a pack of gum with a $100 bill.

Emerson: “I’m sorry sir, I’ve just opened this till. I don’t have the change for that.”
Customer: “This is all I have.”
Emerson: “No it isn’t.”
Customer: “Yes it is.”
Emerson: “Do you mean to tell me, that you left your house this morning and have only financially prepared yourself with a single large bill?”
Customer: “Umm…”
Emerson: “Because that’s just stupid.”
Customer: “Oh, here’s a $5….”

If I hadn’t been so shocked, I probably would have thrown myself at him in that moment. The wit. The snark. I loved it.

Starbucks is not a bank. We are a coffee shop. How hard is it to understand this?

XOXO
Kaldi

New Kid

Let me just say, it’s been a rough few days. Along with writing my tremulous memoir, I cashed in some of my vacation last week and flew back to LA to see my mom at this party she was throwing for some friends. It would have been a great trip if Bobby Flay, who was catering the event, had spent less time trying to get in my pants and more time working on a kale salad worthy of my taste buds/caloric intake. Food Network chefs are so cocky. It was a tough transition back from glamorous parties in Cali to my studio apartment in Manhattan (thanks for nothing, DAD) but I managed to get through it by jamming out to some old school Britney and making my own almond milk.

I got back to work on Wednesday and noticed we had a new hire. She had trained at a store a few blocks away but is going to be a permanent partner at my store. She’s cute in a…. cute way. Kind of like the way a small dog is cute. She just looks like you could pet her but it wouldn’t be weird or lesbian.

Anyway. She’s not the brightest partner, but she’ll get there. I can tell. The problem is, customers LOVE fucking with new partners. Have you noticed? They can sense that this person is new and they’ll use it to their advantage.

“This was supposed to be a venti…. I wanted the Frappuccino one…. I had two. Did you get that? Just give me one of those free drink coupon things.”

I was training said new hire on the drive through and was listening to the order while she was entering it into the expeditor.

Customer: Yeah. Gimme a grande curmul frap. Extra curmul. And a venti water. And a tall white mocha. Nonfat. With curmul. And a morning bun. And a grande mocha. That’s all.
New hire: Okay. So that was a grande caramel frappuccino. And a water. And what else?
(Still getting used to Symphony. We’ve all been there.)
Customer: Ugh. *drives up*

After I tender the transaction, the customer then proceeds to say:
“This is all wrong. I wanted ventis. And there were two curmul fraps. And where’s my cake pop?”

This customer sensed that she was struggling. The long pauses. The repeated questions. The slow response time. So instead of being patient and understanding, he capitalized on it and started demanding extra items.

“Well I ordered them! Why didn’t she ring them up? What’s wrong? Just give me what I asked for.”

Let me be clear, dear readers. I want nothing more than new partners to succeed in Starbucks. Read this and you’ll understand. I truly do care about the 185’s among us (185???? Oh Siren, I’m old). Working around customers’ incredibly insensitive antics just make it that much harder for new partners to acclimate to Starbucks effectively. And that’s what bothers me. Customers just get ruder and ruder it seems.

Never fear. I’m sure this new hire will be fantastic. And she’ll feel confident enough in the near future to hit “decaf” when this shit happens to the next new hire. My work here is done.

XOXO
Kaldi

A partner at my store once called out a “mocha frap.” I gave her the look of death and now she works for Smoothie King. #bitchingbarista

Labor and Deployment

I can’t even begin to describe my day. But as a writer, and because I have loyal readers (hit 15,000 today bitches!), I have a responsibility to try.

I woke up this morning slightly hungover and seriously hating myself for having that piece of dark chocolate last week, when I saw the most horrendous, disgusting, freak show, mane of hair I have ever seen in my life. I looked like a fucking troll doll trying to get into the MTV Beach House.

I thought it would be fun to watch Mean Girls and take a shot every time Lindsey Lohan displayed signs of a cocaine addiction/mommy issues. I was shitfaced by the third scene. And so I did what I do every time I get drunk in my studio: I watch fashion shows on YouTube.

So I was watching clips of Jeremy Scott’s 2009 showing at London Fashion Week and fell in love with some of the designs. But I was more intrigued with the hair. Why, I’m not really sure. I don’t normally like Jeremy Scott but I think it was the combination of vodka waters, Lindsey Lohan, and the mommy issues I had just watched on screen that made me curious. I thought I’d try to emulate this, and put on a fashion show for my cat:

Lucky for me, I passed out before I had the chance to dye parts of my hair red with the strawberry jam I found in my fridge (still unclear as to how that got in there because I. Would. Never). So instead I woke up to a teased mass of runway hair bullshit.

Now, you’re probably thinking that it’s not a huge deal and that I could just flatten it and put it in a ponytail. You probably also think that a trim and restyling every 6 weeks is sufficient upkeep.

To make a long story short (too late, I know) I was late to work because I needed to just fix…. everything. And trying to explain hair maintenance and Lindsey Lohan to Ellie, my lead, was just out of the question. So I had to sit there and just stomach her lecturing me.

“You have a responsibility. You should be on time. Blah blah blah. I hate that you’re prettier than me. I wish I was better at my job. Blah blah. Wordage. Blah. Go to cold bar.”

So there I was, exhausted after Ellie’s monologue, and shoved on cold bar. Now. I don’t know if my readers have noticed, but it’s getting colder. Why in the actual fuck are people still insisting on ordering Frappuccinos???????

I worked 8 and a half hours today without a break. Without a lunch. Without a ten. Without even a chance to rehydrate or redo my makeup. Shear torture. And it really got me thinking. Why the hell am I working so hard? I work in a really fucking busy store. And not busy like “Oh I work in a neighborhood store in the suburbs and the PTA is having their meeting in the cafe.” No. Like. I’m talking a $40,000+ a week store. Welcome to Manhattan.

The thing is, my management team fails to realize this because they’re never there. And who gets the shit kicked out of them on Saturdays? Kaldi does. That’s who. And Miss Jones is not pleased.

Does anyone else have this problem? A severe lack of coverage? Because I’m starting to wonder if it’s just my store.

A few weeks ago I picked up a shift at a store a few blocks away from my home store and they had a partner on the floor as part of coverage specifically to stand by the hand off plane and put lids on cups. Excuse me? That’s all they fucking did. And I spoke up, of course, because I’m a completely capable partner and I can lid my own cups, thank you very much. Turns out, this person was used not just as a drink topper, but used to really bring home that fourth step in BBAR; “Finish and Connect.”

This blew my mind. Why is it that in my store we struggle to keep up with the demands of thousands of customers a day when this store has enough labor to give out for putting whipped cream on a fucking mocha?

Anyone? Anyone think this makes any sense?

So not looking forward to holiday. It’s only going to get worse.

XOXO
Kaldi

Ugh. I don’t want to open. Can’t I just get daydrunk and blog under the influence? #bitchingbarista

“My Starbucks Idea”

Alright. Even I need a good laugh every now and then. And I’m not talking about watching last week’s Project Runway and laughing at Michael Kors’ face getting progressively more orange. I’m talking about some of the suggestions on “My Starbucks Idea.” These people are a fucking riot. Here we go. Laugh with me, coffee slaves!

Customer Number 1: I understand that this request may not work for Starbucks.  But, as a customer relations suggestion, I request that Starbucks encourage their employees to offer any excess frap drink in the blender to the customer purchasing first before discarding it in the sink.  I find it wasteful to do so.  I am actually paying for it, right?  If the measures are “eyeballed” and not exact, I understand you end up with more.  That said, offer me the option to have what’s left in the blender before discarding if circumstances allow.   It will put a smile on faces and increase the value of frap purchases.

Kaldi’s Response: You have got to be fucking kidding me. Frappuccinos are measured in cups. Nothing is eyeballed. “I am actually paying for it, right?” You paid for 16 ounces of a beverage, and you’re getting 16 ounces of beverage. Shut up. Don’t hide behind the fact that you think it’s wasteful. Say what it is. You want more than what you’ve paid for and for that, you make me laugh.

Customer Number 2:On frappuccino Fridays just one should be half price not buy one get one half price, I don’t have a place to store another one or a friend to get one with when I’m stopping before class.

Kaldi’s Response: If you can’t afford Frappuccinos, don’t buy them. Please tell me you’re not an accounting major.

Customer Number 3:Ok so I am a barista at the Shippensburg University location in Shippensburg, PA and I think that we should sell the Mint Chocolate Chip Frappuccino as a special during the month of March for St. Patty’s Day…in case any one doesn’t know what is in it… it’s a Green Tea Frappuccino with Peppermint, Cream Base, and Chocolate Chips. Just an idea 🙂

Kaldi’s Response:YOU’RE A FUCKING PARTNER AND YOU’RE SUGGESTING THIS??? Dead to me.

Customer Number 4:Gold members get 1 free shot.

Kaldi’s Response:I guess this person hasn’t heard of the Gold Card overhaul? Bahahahaha.

Customer Number 5:Why is iced coffee more expensive than hot?  I realize the cup may cost slightly more but certainly not 65 cents more.  Does Starbucks really want to charge loyal customers this much for ice?  Because that is what is taking up the extra space.  It certianly is not more coffee.

Kaldi’s Response:Iced coffee is brewed at double strength, so yes, dear, it IS more coffee. Silly customer.

Customer Number 6: Starbucks has had this excellent suggestion since 2008!  It’s about time they listen to us Ice Coffee drinkers and start making ice out of coffee instead of plain old water!  Their delicious ice coffee would only be better because of it.

Kaldi’s Response:Is this a real suggestion? Because I can’t stop laughing. Do these people think that we have twelve walk-in freezers in the back room stocked with ice trays where we make our own ice? I mean, how fucking ridiculous can you be?

Customer Number 7: White tea is known as the “cream of the crop” of tea.  It has the most antioxidents per serving.  You used to offer Tazo’s Berry Blossom White Tea but it has been taken off your menu.  Please  bring it back or offer another kind of white tea(preferrably fruit flavored).

Kaldi’s Response:We dropped white tea because it was fucking disgusting. Next.

Customer Number 8: So I am a barrista at a Target Starbucks, and today I had a co worker say it wasn’t possible to make a cappuccino into a frap. I wanted to prove them wrong so I went to work thinking of how it would work, and sure enough I did it!  I let my co workers sample it and they all said that it tasted just like a cappuccino and it had the same lightness and foaminess that is the trademark of a good cappucino.  I just thought it would be just a really cool thing for our customers who like cappuccinos but want some cold for those hot days.

Kaldi’s Response:You can turn in your green apron now. K thanks.

Customer Number 9: I’ve been ordering green tea frappuccino with shot of expresso. Should have that on the menu so others know. Very tasty, gives it a bit more flavor and ooomph!

Kaldi’s Response:OMG!!!! THIS IS SO FUNNY! You want people to PAY for that bullshit of a drink???? OMG YESSSS!!!!! By the way. You’re disgusting. And what the fuck is expresso?

Customer Number 10:Please add an organic milk option. I love that the soy milk is organic.

Kaldi’s Response:Okay then. I guess we’re done here.

 

🙂

XOXO
Kaldi

LEARN YOUR FUCKING CUP MARKINGS

It’s not asking for much, is it? It’s not like I’m asking that baristas memorize an encyclopedia or some other insurmountable task. I’m asking for very little in the grand scheme of things. I’m asking for you, fellow partners, to learn cup markings.

When I see “VL” or “CRMF” in a drink box, I want to scream, throw things, and then cry all at the same time. Why? Because these markings don’t exist.

And this post isn’t directed at new partners. I can give them some slack. In fact, I let it slide half the time with some “in the moment coaching” by reminding them of the proper way to mark cups. But if you’ve been with the company for a considerable amount of time and you still haven’t figured out that the drink “VL” doesn’t exist, then you’re refusing to learn, and you’re dead to me.

The thing is, I know that it’s a minor detail. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I can decipher pretty easily what “VL” or “CRMF” mean if they’re written in the drink box. It’s just a matter of consistency. If I’m busting out drinks like crazy and then have to stop and figure out that “CRMF” really means “caramel with caramel and mocha drizzle mocha Frappuccino Blended Coffee” versus seeing cup markings that actually exist. And here’s the thing. Miss Jones doesn’t like to have to work hard if she doesn’t have to, you feel me? She doesn’t like to have to stop and play “guess the drink” when all of that headache can be avoided by the partner on R1 simply marking cups the way they are supposed to.

And it’s not like this is a difficult task. Cup markings are pretty fucking self-explanatory. Latte’s are milk, espresso, and foam. If a guest would like vanilla, put it in the box OBVIOUSLY designed for syrups. If you’re unclear as to which one it is, I’ll give you a hint: It’s labled “syrup.”

Secondly, white mochas, mochas, cinnamon dolce lattes, hot chocolates, white hot chocolates, salted caramel mochas, pumpkin spice lattes, the barage of winter drinks,  all but three types of Frappuccinos and vanilla cremes COME WITH WHIPPED CREAM. You don’t need to mark “WC” on a cup if the recipe calls for it! Come on now. You’re just making more work for yourself.

I wonder if Mila Kunis ever has this problem.

XOXO
Kaldi

I’m too pretty to be this upset right now. #bitchingbarista

Gold Card Changes…. Siren Save Us All

So. If it hasn’t been made abundantly clear by now, I can’t stand gold cards. Sure, they’re great for business, but they make my life a living hell. Now they’re getting even worse.

If any of you coffee slaves aren’t in the loop, the rewards program for the gold card is getting a major overhaul. And if I’m not mistaken, Starbucks has informed us to not discuss this with customers. Yeah. Like that’s going to happen (my blog hit 14,000 views this week. Free Starbucks information for EVERYONE!). No longer will syrups and milk upgrades be included for the price of the base drink. Now, all of you dedicated vanilla breve latte drinkers will be forced to pay for your upgrades. Instead, Starbucks is lowering the amount of transactions it takes to earn a free beverage; from 15 to 12. Starbucks says that the number of people using the rewards program for syrups and milk upgrades is minimal and they won’t be affected.

Ummm. What?

How many of us know that this is a load of crap?

I’ll give you a hint. It’s all of us.

Customer are going to flip shit.

Why the change? Did Starbucks suddenly realize that it’s losing beacoups dollars by giving away product? All of this pain and headache could have been avoided if Howard had just asked for my opinion when gold cards and the reward program started up. Seriously. I’m ready to be promoted to corporate.

I think I’m just gonna use up my vacation for the month of October. I can’t handle this.

XOXO
Kaldi

Howard wouldn’t last 10 minutes behind the bar at my work. #bitchingbarista

Dear Kaldi. I’ve Lost My Mind

Dear Kaldi,

I’m in the middle of switching jobs from one coffee shop to another different coffee shop but for whatever reason they do background checks that take a week or something so I’m just hanging in the middle currently. So basically I’m out of my barista job (for a few weeks now) but still have barista feelings. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I have a feeling they will NEVER EVER EVER go away.

I went to Starbucks with a “friend” and she ordered A DOUBLE CHOCOLATEY CHIP FRAPPUCCINO WITH WHIPPED CREAM BLENDED IN AND ON TOP.

I had no idea I went to Starbucks with Satan.

Anyway, tears may or may not have been shed. And in the process of explaining “#baristaproblems” to her she got catty and told me it’s part of my job and I signed up for it and blah blah blah.

KALDI I GOT SO ANGRY AND I’M NOT EVEN AN ANGRY PERSON. BARISTA FEELS ARE CONSUMING MY LIFE.

Anyway that’s all. P.S. I may or may not worship you bye

M******

 

Dear Enabler,

Totally skimmed most of that. My eyes are really tired from being blinded by the sun in drive through all day today. But I think I got the general feeling of it.

Look. Your cohort clearly doesn’t know what it means to be a barista. What does she do for a living? Does she ever bitch to you about her job? Because it sounds like she’s the type who has bitched a day or two in her life. Unless she’s unemployed and never held a job in her life, she has no business telling you that you aren’t within your Constitutional rights to tell her how ridiculous her order is. And even then, she should shut up and let you enlighten her.

Here’s the thing. I’ve come in contact with a lot of people who think that I shouldn’t bitch about my job, and that I should let go of the title “The Bitching Barista” in exchange for “The Grateful Barista.” Yeah. Not happening. Why? Because this is my way of reminding myself that I am human. If I slapped on my Stepford smile 24/7 about how wonderful my life is and how peaceful Starbucks is, I’d go fucking crazy. And that’s true of everyone I’m sure. Do you think people in other jobs don’t bitch or complain sometimes about where they work? I was listening to the radio the other day and there was a statistic that between 47-50% of all adults in the US are at least somewhat unhappy about their jobs.

Anyway, it’s pretty rotten of your Devil friend to not be at least a little sympathetic about our struggles. Although, you DID take her into a Starbucks, and unless you apologized to the barista behind the counter for her and dropped a $20 in the tip jar, you didn’t do much to alleviate the barista’s pain.

I guess I get it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We DID sign up for this. We do CHOOSE to work in this environment. And we have to make the best of it (which is why every barista everywhere should read my blog). But that doesn’t mean our friends have to turn on us.

Anyway, don’t let it get to you too much. Unless your homegirl starts ordering venti 3 vanilla no classic soy 7 matcha extra hot no foam 3 and a half Splenda green tea lattes. Then you have my full permission to push her to the floor, steal her shoes and run. Get away from her as fast as you can. You don’t need that in your life.
Hope this helps. Namaste.

Kaldi Jones

Drink Chef Kaldi

I’m always reluctant to post recipes of drinks that I’ve created for myself. Mainly because they’re considered the property of Starbucks (for real. Look it up in your Partner Handbook. Every recipe that you handcraft is owned by the Starbucks gods). I don’t ever rave to my friends or customers or partners or my dog about the delicious creations I’ve come up with, for no other reason than I don’t want it to become a featured item on the menu, thus creating one more recipe card for the book. Too stressful. Too much work. The only recipe I’ve been comfortable posting was my reworking of a Cool Lime Refresher, because Starbucks has made it clear that we are not to suggest modifications on Refreshers. I feel okay posting that, because Starbucks won’t ever use it against me. Anyway. Here two of my favorite concoctions:

Venti Cool Lime Refresher. Sub black tea for water. Add two pumps coconut. Try it next year.

Venti Cool Lime Refresher. Add one half pump raspberry.

I love these. They’re both less than 100 calories (I’d prefer for 0, but sometimes I’ll let it slip) and they’re totally delicious. And they totally make me feel better about having that mocha two summers ago.

Anyway, if you feel comfortable enough to share some of your creations, I’d love to try them. As long as they’re soy-free, fat-free, steamwand-free, and delicious. I don’t have time for flops.

XOXO
Kaldi

Venti CLR. Sub BT for H20. 2 pumps coconut. Came to me in a dream. #bitchingbarista

Wait. Back up

 

 

 

 

……. Can someone tell me why this man is more famous than I am?

Sigh….. Let Me Explain

So. A couple of coffee slaves have emailed me over the last 24 hours in response to Dear Kaldi Gay Addition. I won’t bore you with the gory details, suffice it to say apparently people think I’m a giant homophobe or Republican or something. Whatever. I deleted the emails right after I read them. It wasn’t the first time someone has said something less than complimentary via email to me and it certainly won’t be the last. Though this one, actually, struck a nerve with me.

So. Let’s break this ish down.

If you haven’t figured out by now that my blog is satirical and over the top, then you’re refusing to learn. For fuck’s sake people. M asked me to marry him over the Internet. Totes sweet/psycho, but satirical none the less. That’s why my response was worded in the same fashion. If you actually thought I was telling him to dress like Madonna and go to work, you’ve fucking lost your mind. Have you seen Madonna’s Frozen video? The clothes are awful. Givenchy. Would. Never.

But, I guess, I should give a real response as well….

If you’re looking to find ways to destress from work and let out your anger towards the Siren in a healthy way, you know… that doesn’t involve pelting people with blenders, you should find ways to make work your own. Don’t get lost in Starbucks. You need to have some individuality and a voice as well. My initial response is to tell you to write, but that’s out of the question because I have a monopoly on that. So don’t even. But there are ways that you can express yourself without looking like a run-down-united-colors-Kabbalah-priestess. Look at our dress code. We can wear ties if they are a neutral color and tasteful. Every so often if I’m in a Diane Keaton/Avril Lavigne mood, I’ll wear a black Armani bow tie with my Michael Kors white button up. It’s cute, simple, and still within Starbucks standards. It’s a simple way to nonverbally tell everyone that you have a life outside of Starbucks and you look great without wearing a green apron…. or without wearing anything at all. See what I mean?

What about your art wall? Have you talked with a manager about displaying your art? I have shown a few times. What I actually did was take espresso beans, ground them on a Turkish setting, and then mixed them with a bottle of my tears that I had been collecting over the course of one week (it was the week that YSL changed to SLP. I still can’t talk about it without tearing up). I created these three great abstract paintings made by staining canvas with espresso and Kaldi tears. A perfect representation of myself, my job, and the fashion world. They wound up selling to some rich plastic surgeon for $500 a piece. And if you’re wondering if the customer was my dad, I’d say fuck off. You don’t know my life. And yes.

Anyway. For those of you that got a laugh out of my last blog, I’m glad that you enjoyed it. For those of you that didn’t and thought that I was a homophobe, read this and then unbunch your panties. KTHX.

XOXO
Kaldi